Jessie’s Journal

I received the fall J Crew catalog in the mail and was immediately taken by all the gorgeous cashmere sweaters, distressed jeans, and argyle socks. But my heart stood still when I saw them. What could have possibly stolen my heart so quickly, you may ask. Well, let me tell you: The Holden leather stacked low-heel boots in espresso finish.

“Italian leather upper. Leather lining. Heavy decorative stitching. Pull-on tabs. Leather sole with nonskid rubber inset. Hit at midcalf. 1 ½” stacked heel. $238.”

In that moment, I wanted those boots more than anything else in the world. They were so cute! But at a whopping 238 dollars, I knew they were a pleasure I would have to forgo.

The next day I looked at the catalog again. The boots looked even more delicious than the day before. Oh, I didn’t see how cute the “heavy decorative stitching” was yesterday, I mused. Then I had an idea. I would look online at jcrew.com, to see if the boots were by any chance on sale. (This was my first mistake, see, because I knew J Crew boots never go on sale at the beginning of the season.) No big surprise, the boots were full price. But there was something else that caught my eye.

Below the description of the boots was a section labeled “Looks great with…” which displayed a “Featherweight relaxed fit Marino sweater” in black cherry, “matchstick jeans in dark resin wash,” and heather graphite “classic knee-high argyle socks.” Ohh . . . that’s cute.

I looked at the page for a good five minutes, clicking on each picture to see a full description of the item, gasping at the prices, and telling myself to just close the internet and get to work. But then I had another idea. I’ll just add the items to my shopping bag to see what they look like next to each other. It’s not like I would every buy this stuff. It’s way to expensive. But I just want to see what they would all look like together. So I did.

I clicked on each picture once more, this time selecting my size and then clicking “add to basket.” With each click I felt a strange mix of excitement and guilt. Something in the back of my mind was telling me this wasn’t such a good idea–that I really should get to work. But I quickly squished that voice with the heal of those Holden leader boots, reasoning that there was no way on God’s green earth that I would ever buy those four adorable items full price. Those four little items, by the way, came to a whopping $483.93 with tax and shipping. (Gulp!)

I finally snapped out of my daze when I saw the clock and realized I had spent a half hour browsing jcrew.com and flirting with my new favorite outfit. I got back to work.

But the next day, before I even started working, I went back to my shopping basket to look again. They were all still there, looking-huh, that’s strange-even cuter than the day before. I clicked on each one of the images to read the descriptions again, envisioning what I would look like wearing each one.

This went on for several days. By the third or fourth day, I realized a startling truth. If I had $483.93 in my bank account, I would actually buy my coveted outfit. By God’s grace, I didn’t have that kind of money, but I was completely shocked at myself. How did I go from admiring a pair of boots in a magazine to being willing (if not able) to spend almost 500 hundred dollars on an outfit?! This is the girl who never pays full price for anything, who teaches others how to be wise with their money and not become obsessed with fashion. What happened to me?

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
James 1:13-17 (ESV)

My experience with those boots is a lot like sexual sin. We are each tempted by our own desires for something. Just like those Holden leather stacked-heel boots, physical intimacy lures us ever-so-subtly. One day we realize that we’re daydreaming about kissing a guy. But we justify it by assuring ourselves that we’d never actually do it. But once we start daydreaming about it, we find some “accessories” that might go nicely with it. Maybe a little cuddling or caressing. Maybe making out, or having sex. We enjoy the thought, so we put them in our “shopping bag” to look at later.

The next day we think about it again.

It’s no big deal, we rationalize, I don’t even have a boyfriend. Besides, I’d never actually do that with anyone. And you probably really believe that you wouldn’t. So the thought of your first kiss, or your first date, or your first time having sex sits nicely in your shopping bag, waiting for you to visit every so often. You go about life pretty much as usual, your pet temptation tucked nicely away in the shopping bag of your mind.

Then one day, you find yourself in a relationship with a guy. You think you’ve established physical boundaries in your relationship, but now there’s a face that you attach to your favorite daydream. It feels a little more wrong to think about doing that with him, but still, you tell yourself it’s not a big deal because you’d never actually do it. But the temptation that seemed so innocent before now seems to have a mind of its own, and it’s pretty obvious after a few months of dating that your boyfriend would be plenty happy to make your daydreams come true.

One night he drives you home after a football game at school. You’re alone, and it’s dark (never a good combination, by the way). It’s a little like déjà vu; in your mind, you’ve been in this place dozens of times, always with the same outcome. Now that you’ve got the $483.93 in the bank (i.e., now that you have the ability to make those daydreams come true) how do you think it’s going to turn out?

James so clearly explains how sin works. A small desire doesn’t usually become full-blown sin in a day. It’s most often a process. We’re tempted most by those things that seem so innocent at first; we let those desires live in our hearts because they seem harmless. But those seemingly harmless desires attach themselves inside us like a parasite, growing so slowly that we don’t even realize they’re taking over until it’s too late.

Who would have thought that I could learn such an important lesson from a J Crew catalog? I hope my confession will remind you to be careful of what thoughts you choose to entertain, and to “put to death” any thought that might migrate to your online shopping cart.

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